Sher Wright's Devils Dictionary Project

Sher's Blog Archive Hits

C The grade Bush used to get in his Science courses. They were just too hard! Fortunately, being the most Powerful man on Earth means he can fix that problem.

Camouflage The military craft of making big, nasty things like tanks fade into the background. We are experts at political camouflage - look at what a good job we’ve done on the Debt (to say nothing of the Insurgency in Iraq).

Campaign A word we Borrowed from the Military, for good reason. Clausewitz thought of war as continuation of politics by other means. We Think of Politics as continuation of War by any means (see Stay the Course) since Permanent Warfare helps us Win Electoral campaigns.

Campaign Contributions The high-yield investment vehicle most popular with Conservatives. While they are not technically Tax deductible, in practice they produce tax reductions far greater than the original outlay. If gas-guzzler taxes worked that way we’d get our SUVs for Free!

Campaign Contributors 1. Noble Americans who share their hard-earned personal and organizational resources for the betterment of humanity through support of Conservative political Candidates. 2. Homosexual movie stars intent on destroying America by supporting Liberal political Candidates.

Campaign Strategy See Tax Cuts.

Camp Cupcake The sandy version of Camp David, where Bush can pop in for an eight-hour Surprise Visit to get his buddy David’s Assessment of the ground situation in Iraq (see Mission Accomplished) in a zone just as Reality-Free as his weekend place in Maryland.

Canada A kind of honorary state. While they're a bit Blue for our taste, they compensate by taking off lots of the heat from our Drug plan screw-ups.

Candidate A compound word formed from “candid” (Freely Speaking Truth) and “ate” (destroyed by ingestion). It is thus defined as “a prospective Officeholder who knows that straight Talk means later eating your words.”

Canonization The process of investiture into the sainthood, for example, as employed to install St. Ronnie of Illinois. In his case, this was an intermediate step towards deification.

Canon Law Laws given by God (except that in the Church of Conservatism we spell it “cannon” based on how we help God to get people to follow them.)

Cards An excellent building material for houses. Considering our fondness for Debt, they’re mortgaged the second they’re built.

Carry Water The term Rush used to describe how he supported Bush even when he didn’t mean it. In other words, it’s one of the many synonyms Conservatives use for Lying. It’s like Eskimos with all their words for Snow.

Cartoon A drawing that seeks to trigger an emotional response. We ourselves often get emotional about drawings, particularly those of Hamilton, Franklin, and Grant (see Campaign Contributions).

Casual Acquaintance As defined by Rove, a lobbyist (see Abramoff) who gives you a mere $25,000 for tickets and meals. Karl is such a generous soul, though, that even this pittance is enough to be there “whenever we need something,” as Jack reported he said at the NCAA finals.

Catastrophe The standard Result from not supporting something we want to do (see Surge). We’d use the word Disaster but it makes Voters think about things we did get to do (see Iraq).

Ceiling Fan A product essential to American Jobs, such that it was recently given special attention by Conservatives in their tariff bill. Because of their intervention, the American minimum-wage store clerks selling this Chinese product are now more secure in their employment.

Chairmanship An opportunity to take the Lead on areas of Special Interest. For example, being appointed Chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Childrens’ Caucus is a great way to lead on hot Pages.

Champaign Unit A safe harbor for the sons of the Elite during a time of War. Sometimes ingrates would spurn this birthright by putting themselves in harm’s way in the real Military. We didn’t worry about them, though, since they had to be Liberals to be that foolish.

Change Sometimes good, sometimes bad. It’s good when it means we’re getting some coins back. Otherwise it’s bad, because it probably threatens our Privileges and Advantages.

Change Agent The mantle every GOP Candidate has assumed. It doesn’t, however, require new clothes different from George II’s (see Stay the Course on Iraq War Surge and Tax Cuts). The Change from Bush they’re looking to achieve is his Polling Results.

Chaos The frequent result of Invasion, for example what happened after the Soviets rolled over their border with Afghanistan to trigger the creation of Al Qaeda. The chaos caused by our Middle East invasions is much different, since the Terrorists we’re creating won’t want to endure the long plane flight back to here.

Character Reliable adherence to Conservative Values (see Partisan). Talent for Lying is a nice plus.

Charity A place to put Moolah that’s starting to smell bad.

Chatter Musings from Terrorists about the damage they’re fantasizing. We use them to up the level of Alerts and Tweaks to Liberties. They’re like Political Advertisements we don’t have to Pay for.

Cheating An essential component of Conservative political strategy (see Florida) and economic strategy (see Borrowing). It’s to Campaign Strategy what War is to Diplomacy: pursuit of Victory by “other Means.”

Checkpoint A Security measure particularly important to the Success of the Surge, which absolutely requires the Iraqi Army to use them effectively. And that’s exactly what they’re doing! Where before the soldiers used to sleep, now they’re totally Alert, for example when Terrorists are setting up an IED close by. Now all we need to do is to Train them to stop the Planting rather than guarding it.

Checks and Balances The essence of the separation of powers between the three branches of Government. The checks our Contributors provide allow us to maintain Conservative balances of Power across the separate branches, giving us unchecked power via Up or Down Votes.

Cheerleading Our President’s main college activity. People are responding better than ever to his rah-rah. Of course, giving out Trillions of dollars of Free Money doesn’t exactly hurt team spirit!

Cheney One of the country’s leading ventriloquists, renowned for the shtick of throwing his voice from “Undisclosed Locations.” When not speaking through his Dummy, he’s also known for his Colorful Speech.

Children The key to our Future. Specifically, Conservatives have discovered that mentioning children in our speeches gets us tons of votes from Soccer Moms, so you can bet we'll be doing that in the future! The icing on the cake is that they're too young to vote against the Debt we're passing down to them (see Posterity).

Childrens’ Health A vicious plot by Liberals to nudge us all down the slippery slope to Communist-style Health care. If Children want health care they can get it on the Job like everyone else!

Choice 1. The critical essence of Freedom. If you can’t choose, you’re not really free. It’s so critical we need to pass laws to make sure that women don’t choose wrong. 2. Something a Homosexual has (for lifestyle, not matrimony) and a Woman doesn’t.

Christianists Members of the Church of Conservatism with the Character to recognize that God doesn’t have the Power to stand up to the Godless tide of Liberalism without help from Government Bureaucrats.

Christmas A day devoted to Peace on Earth and good will towards all. We had one two thousand years ago; we'll do another once: 1. those weenies over at the State Department get on board with DeLay’s Tribulation kickoff Program. 2. we've achieved Victory over all our Enemies.

Church of Conservatism Ann is Right, except it’s not Liberalism but Conservatism that’s a Religion with a “sacraments, a creation myth, and a clergy.” That’s way so many religious words have Dittohead meanings!

Chutzpah 1. Doing something in an In Your Face manner. 2. A word Tony Snow used to describe Clinton’s comment on Commuting Scooter’s Prison time, based on Snow’s well-honed expertise on the topic.

CIA The Intelligence Agency known prior to the Iraq Invasion for Custom Information Assembly. It is being reorganized, with installation of GOP operative Porter Goss as Director and his recruitment of Republican Partisans for its executive management. The new organization will be called Conservative Intelligence All-the-time.

Cinco de Mayo The day that lets us celebrate our inclusiveness even while spending the other 364 days bashing Mexicans like piñatas.

Circus A grand spectacle of Life and death put on by the Politicians of ancient Rome for the entertainment of Citizens. Our improved version uses the Media and Optional Wars to eliminate stadium seating limits.

Citation The description of the act that resulted in a Military Hero being awarded a Medal. It is a source of great Pride, unless repudiated by the Conservative who wrote it because the recipient later turned out to be a Liberal.

Cite Using someone else’s Facts to justify a policy (leaving out the depressing bits, of course).

Citizens Domestic creatures not unlike sheep that are the source of the two staples of modern political Life: Polls and Votes.

City A handy place to pack in Blue State types to make sure that no Government Money gets spent on them.

Civil Service The replacement for the old spoils system, when Politics determined who was Hired or Fired. We like the New system because Future Democrat Presidents won’t get to kick out the Loyal Bushies we’ve put in place to run American Justice.

Civil War What will happen in Iraq if Kurds and Shiites continue to demand more autonomy. This would of course be a positive development. If they’re killing each other they’ll be too busy to mess with us. Who says we didn’t do any post-invasion planning?

Civilization The period of History that dawned with Ronnie and that has reached its full flowering under George.

Claim The one time we don’t Hate Government Health care, specifically when health insurers can be Protected against Medical Losses by requiring Patients to first submit Bogus claims to Medicare.

Classified 1. Information made Secret in order to protect US interests - i.e., us. 2. A kind of Secret that, when leaked, is particularly useful for catching Liberals by surprise.

Clear Something that is obvious, like when McCain said “I think I can show my record is clear” when Talking about why he Voted against a Bill prohibiting Waterboarding Torture when his record was clearly otherwise. Just remember that he was against it before he was For it.

Clean Bill The kind of Spending Bill President Bush is demanding from Congress, Free from any Increased Spending (except the increased spending for Iraq).

Clearance The Department of Homeland Security process for ensuring that a purported Journalist with access to the President isn’t a Terrorist or Liberal.

Cliff A Political test of manliness we’re Happy to Face. When our Leader marches fearlessly off the edge (see Low Polls) in the name of Principle (see Children’s Health Veto) we’re Right there in lockstep!

Climate The kind of weather we’re all getting. Since we’re on the subject, it’s not getting hotter and even if it is it would be doing that anyway and besides that’s a good thing.

Climate Change A term we like better that Global Warming since people expect weather to change.

Clinic A place where doctors go to dispense Health and we go to dispense Hate (and the odd bullet for those doctors).

Clinton Evil incarnate. Either one of them. She’s probably worse; we got the goods on him.

Cloakroom The place in the Capital building where Senators used to spend a lot of time making deals. The modern Comparison is the closet, where a lot of GOP Senators make deals that get them time.

Club for Growth A group devoted to unseating Republican Moderates. While their success has been limited to date, we know it’s only a matter of time before they find one.

Clueless The state of blissful Ignorance achieved with the slipping of the last tenuous link between policy and Reality (see Port).

Cluster Bomb We love this weapon! OK, we love all WMD, but this one’s special. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, an instant minefield without having to dig the holes and put up the signs.

Coalition Performs the same role for Foreign Policy that a fig leaf performs for a statue.

Coalition of the Billing Our New Strategy for Success in Iraq. We’ve figured out that People don’t care about the hundreds of billions the War Costs. Why should they, since Posterity is doing all the Paying? The main thing is that members of the Military are getting Killed. The Solution is outsourcing the Fighting to mercenaries, like those from Blackwater. This costs more, but…well, you already know why that’s not a problem.

Coastal Flooding Another benefit of Global Warming. It solves the Blue State problem once and for all!

Coffin Cure The common theme in Conservative Social Engineering, reflected in Tobacco Policy (puff ‘em), Gun policy (pack ‘em), and Stem Cell Research policy (Flush ‘em).

Color The hues a Dittohead perceives as he encounters the majestic landscapes of our nation as painted by the changing seasons. Dittohead visual perception is highly sensitive and encompasses two colors: Black and White (with no shades of gray).

Colorblind A term used by our New Right-Wing Supreme Court Majority. The color in question is “brown,” as in Brown vs. Board of Education.

Columbus The man who discovered America while looking for China. Reagan is the greater man because he actually found China. Specifically, Regan discovered China’s willingness to let us Borrow Trillions from them, making it possible for us to rail against Taxes even while spending megabucks on the stuff that Voters love. As the foundation for modern Conservatism, it’s Ronnie’s discovery rather than Chris’s that deserves the celebration!

Columbus Day The national observance for the discovery of America, an event almost as significant as Reagan’s discovery of Red State America.

Combat A condition under which armed protagonists shoot before they themselves are shot. In other words, the NRA’s vision for city living.

Come September 1. A classic Rock Hudson romantic comedy from 1961. 2. The Bush Administration’s reason for Voters to stay off his case over the last six months, leaving only 16 more months of case-staying-off-of-reasons-needed to go.

Commander Guy How Bush describes his preference for whether Decisions on continuing the War in Iraq should be made by the Democrat Majority or Commanders on the Ground. It could also be his fondness for the Commander in Chief.

Commanders on the Ground The People Bush wants calling the shots in Iraq. One reason is that Military folks swear an oath to “obey the orders of their superiors,” and by coincidence Bush happens to be their most superior.

Commentator A Conservative Media person like Armstrong Williams who expresses positive opinions about Government operations, sometimes even when they don’t pay him!

Commit 1. (Archaic) to pledge to a binding Obligation. 2. To establish a vague hope that's entirely Optional, for example when Bush addressed reducing Greenhouse Gasses to fight Global Warming when he said "by setting this goal, we commit ourselves to doing something about it."

Commitments Moral obligations that, while not technically required by law, need to be met if one is to act Right. Fortunately, we’d act that way even without those Campaign Contributions.

Communion 1. A reward for Catholic legislators who give interpretations of scripture made in Rome the force of law over their non-Catholic constituents. 2. (Archaic) A remembrance of Christ’s love and forgiveness for all of humanity.

Communism A political system where government owns industry. It has been surpassed by Our system, where Industry owns Government.

Commute 1. A kind of Prison many workers face. 2. Bush doing an In Your Face to save Face with the Base for one of his workers Facing prison for taking a bullet so that Cheney could dodge the bullet (but not in the Face), so that nobody has to Face any consequences over the outing of the CIA agent.

Comparable Risks Rudi’s boast that he experienced the same “if not more” exposure to toxic chemicals from 9/11 as sick New York City workers, based on the average of two hours a week he spent onsite watching them put in their hundreds.

Comparison To match one thing to another, for example comparing Viet Nam to Iraq. Sometimes a comparison is false, for example when arguing that Iraq could be as big a Waste of Lives and Money as Viet Nam. We have of course been diligently rejecting that comparison since day 1. Sometimes, though, a comparison it right on Target, for example when comparing the bad things that can happen in a Foreign Country (say, Viet Nam) when we’re no longer calling the Shots.

Compassion A magic word similar to "abracadabra." We don't know what it means, but when we say it doors start opening.

Compassionate Conservatism Letting the minority party have bathroom privileges (as long as that’s the extent of the crap we have to put up with from them - see Majority of the Majority).

Compatible Having a similar disposition or tastes, for example Bush and the Iraqi Parliament, as evidenced by their mutual predilection for taking long Summer Vacations when things are really heating up (see Crisis).

Compensation Hideous amounts of Money given to top Executives in Just reparation for the hideous working conditions they endure.

Competence The overrated ability to produce the Results we said we’d get. The only result we really need is Reelection, and for that we only need competence in collecting Campaign Contributions for our Swift Boat Political Advertisements.

Comprehensive Thorough, like how we cover the whole spectrum of ensuring that only Loyal Bushies have a Shot at getting a DOJ Job (see Political Hiring ) and Keeping it (see Protect Failure and Fire Prosecutors).

Compromise The cornerstone of Conservative politics. We never miss an opportunity to compromise Liberal programs (e.g. Social Security via Debt) or politicians (e.g. Clinton via Impeachment).

Compulsive The Liberal desperation to raise Taxes, even though Tax Cuts let People Keep more of their own Money, make the Economy Explode, improve Moral fiber, address social ills, Increase National Security, and are curing cancer, to name just a few benefits, so we OBVIOUSLY Need to KEEP Doing Them AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!

Con The act of fleecing marks using attractive schemes that appeal to their greed but that ultimately empty their wallets (see Interest). Short for Conservative.

Concern When we express this about something (like Bush just did for Iraq Civil War), DUCK!

Conditions-Based 1. The term used by Bush’s buddy David to describe how much the Iraq War will Cost. 2. The Fiscal equivalent of Whatever It Takes, known outside Government as a Blank Check.

Confident The Conviction that comes from having a Mistake-proof Strategy, as Bush exhibited a year ago when he said “I am confident in our plan for victory. I am confident in the will of the Iraqi people.”

Confirm A critical component of knowledge. It’s the reason that reporters require two Sources for a story: one to provide the initial tip, and the other to confirm it by saying “I heard that too” (see Rove)

Conflict of Interest What silly Liberals like Clinton’s Treasury Secretary Rubin give up perfectly good Jobs to avoid. Duh! That’s why you take a job!

Connections A competency test for prospective Government vendors. Anyone who can generate lots of Campaign Contributions is clearly the kind of go-getter we want to see working for Government.

Connect the Dots The skill required to Preempt Terrorists. It’s not our strong suit, since it requires Logic. We’re better at connecting the dolts (see Base).

Conquer A synonym for “win,” as in “Winning Hearts and Minds.”

Conscience Concern for the impact of one’s actions on others. We’re always concerned about this impact - it’s why we Overreach!

Conscription A traditional method of staffing the Military in time of War (see Draft). For example, it was the approach used throughout the Majority of McCain’s Navy career when a Surge in Troop Strength was needed to Fight the last Insurgency. While he “doesn’t think we need to Think” about a draft (see Low Polls) he does Believe we need to greatly expand Troop Strength to Fight the current Insurgency.

Conservation A word we’re changing the definition of to make the Endangered Species Act easier on Industry. It’s an excellent strategy; just look how far we’ve gotten with changing the definition of “Conservative!”

Consistency 1. (Archaic) The basis for Science. Scientists assume that God’s handiwork is perfectly consistent and devote their lives to using this as a tool for understanding Truth. 2. The basis for Conservative science. Hard Work isn’t needed to find truth. All you need is consistency with your denomination’s version of the Bible.

Consistent A desirable quality in a President which describes President Bush to a T. For example, he Consistently wants to take Action against Iran regardless of whether the National Intelligence Estimate says: 1) they’re working on Nuculur Bombs or 2) they’re not (see Saddam).

Contagion Bush’s Dream that the entire Middle East would be so Inspired by the Iraqi experience (see Democracy) that they’d copy it, which they will, as soon as they’ve finished copying the Sunnis and Shiites attacking each other like they now are in Lebanon.

Convention A tradition or standard practice, for example the accounting convention of balancing the books. OK, just call us unconventional.

Convictions A characteristic common to many Conservative Executives, usually missing only when the jury deadlocked.

Conservative 1. The very peak of Evolution, if it existed, which it doesn’t. 2. (Archaic) A political species distinguished by its respect for traditional norms of behavior and taste, probity and ethics, balanced budgets, judicial restraint, cautious foreign policy, and concern for posterity. Champions of minority rights, social mobility, anti-trust, preservation of natural resources, and union over states' rights. Extinct since 1980.

Conservative Columnist A free-lance Government deputy press secretary.

Constitution 1. The source of Freedom. 2. An archaic document often abused by Liberal shyster lawyers to mess up Conservative Social Policy.

Constraint The Liberal notion that there are limits to the resources that God has given us. Since He’s infinite, anyone believing in constraints has to be an Atheist!

Conviction A frequent quality of Conservative Leaders (usually ten to twenty, with time off for good behavior).

Cooking The mouth-watering process used by Think Tanks to prepare delectable Facts for the ravenous gourmands of Dittohead cuisine. Popular recipes include Overstuffed Fat-Cat, Chicken Hawk with Pine and Gun Nuts, and Jesus Fish Soup. Dittohead cuisine is noted for its flamethrower spiciness, stomach-busting portions, and unique presentation (see Color).

Cooperate Not Vetoing a Stimulus Bill with some Liberal stuff in it, since sending out Checks to millions of Americans has enough Bipartisan support for an override.

Core American Principle According to the Bush Administration, the Ideal of Justice represented by their handling of Padilla, the Citizen they were planning to hold forever without trial until the Supreme Court was about to jump in on his case.

Corruption Who says Liberals have a lock on social Justice? We’re very careful to make sure People get what they deserve, especially our Cronies.

Cost What you Pay for something. The big advantage we had in our War in Iraq was that it didn’t cost anything for the first 3 1/2 years (see Deficit). Now that we’re finally paying a price (see Election), maybe we need to figure a way to wrap it all up. Canning Don is a start.

Country How we like to describe members of the GOP, for example as “country folk,” a phrase that brings to mind solid middle-America Working People focused on high Moral Values. “Country club” and “Stock portfolio values” are closer to the actual Truth.

Coup An Action just perpetrated by George’s buddy Pervez in Pakistan. It involved using his authority as Army Chief to Ignore the Constitution in the Face of challenges to his Reelection, under the Pretext of Fighting Terrorism. Bush has avoided imposing any consequences for this, primarily because he’s already done exactly the same thing.

Courage 1. An essential Conservative value. When anyone says we made a mistake, we have the courage to stand up and accept the Blame. We usually accept that the blame goes to Clinton. 2. The strength of Character to propose programs even when we know that accountants will laugh their asses off at them.

Cover-up An example of our superiority in keeping National Security Secrets (like our congressional Leader on the fight against pedophilia having special expertise in this area).

Cowboy Someone with the Job of moving cattle. It’s the perfect analogy for the job Bush is doing because of the tons of crap he’s leaving along the trail.

Cozy Happiness in the daily company of close friends, like your company buddies who are now Government Regulators.

Crazy What it looks like when behavior can’t be rationally explained. Future generations will think we were crazy, considering how we gutted environmental regulations that were working perfectly well, ran up monster Deficits without a plan for paying them back, and used this borrowed money to buy a Military larger than the developed world combined. There’s method to our madness, though - see Reelection.

Creationism The only real Science.

Creation Myth As used by Ann, a term for how things began. The Church of Conservatism’s creation myth is called “Creationism.”

Crime 1. Breaking the law, an act for which there is no legitimate excuse other than the need for Payback. 2. Bad behavior that Citizens look to Conservatives to be tougher on than Liberals. That’s why we’ve changed the rules so that DeLay can continue to be our Leader in the fight against crime even if he’s indicted.

Criminalize What Liberals are trying to do to time-honored Conservative traditions like Payback and Payoff. They need to realize that criminalization is our turf (see Abortion).

Criminals A way to measure Justice. The numbers say that we’re at historic highs, thanks to Ashcroft. We’ll do even better when we can add pregnant women and their Doctors to the list.

Crisis Our calling card. If we’re not Mishandling something, we must not be trying hard enough!

Cronie The feminine form of Crony (see Harriet Miers).

Crony An expert in the most essential Government operations (see Fundraisers).

Crusades 1. Noble efforts by Conservatives to remake the Middle East via Military power. 2. (Archaic) Failed efforts by medieval lords to remake the Holy Land via Military power.

Crying Game A poignant Boy George song to which George’s boy recently added new lyrics: “I cry a lot. I do/a lot of crying in this job/ I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count/as president. I'll shed some tomorrow.”

Cuba A place we won’t send goods (see Embargo) but we’re happy to send bads (see GITMO).

Cult Any variation on prior Religious Belief (see Mormon) that varies from our variation on prior religious belief (see Christianist).

Culture of Life 1. The core Conservative principle of the sanctity of Life (except when it costs HMOs Money). 2. The Conservative Tenet that Life in a culture dish is sacrosanct (see Stem Cell Research). Not to be confused with any Right to life for Criminals, Enemies, Liberal Justices, or People who cross Gun Owners.

Cut A temporary reduction that has the unfortunate side-effect of requiring larger offsetting increases down the road (see Interest). The good news is that these offsets occur after the Election.

Cut and Run The general-purpose Conservative term for any Policy that might be interpreted by anyone as us admitting that we made a Mistake.

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