Sher's Blog Archive Hits
Call for Resignation The cry of the Morally pure, as voiced by GOP Officeholders like Senator John Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford when they demanded that President Clinton and Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig resign because of sexual improprieties. They’d of course step down after getting caught having their own adulterous Sex, except that it would eliminate their bully pulpits for calling out Immorality.
Camouflage The military craft of making big, nasty things like tanks fade into the background. We are experts at political camouflage - look at what a good job we’ve done on the Debt (to say nothing of the Insurgency in Iraq).
Campaign A word we Borrowed from the Military, for good reason. Clausewitz thought of war as continuation of politics by other means. We Think of Politics as continuation of War by any means (see Stay the Course) since Permanent Warfare helps us Win Electoral campaigns.
Campaign Contributions The high-yield investment vehicle most popular with Conservatives. While they are not technically Tax deductible, in practice they produce tax reductions far greater than the original outlay. If gas-guzzler taxes worked that way we’d get our SUVs for Free!
Campaign Contributors 1. Noble Americans who share their hard-earned personal and organizational resources for the betterment of humanity through support of Conservative political Candidates. 2. Homosexual movie stars intent on destroying America by supporting Liberal political Candidates.
Camp Cupcake The sandy version of Camp David, where Bush can pop in for an eight-hour Surprise Visit to get his buddy David’s Assessment of the ground situation in Iraq (see Mission Accomplished) in a zone just as Reality-Free as his weekend place in Maryland.
Candidate A compound word formed from “candid” (Freely Speaking Truth) and “ate” (destroyed by ingestion). It is thus defined as “a prospective Officeholder who knows that straight Talk means later eating your words.”
Canonization The process of investiture into the sainthood, for example, as employed to install St. Ronnie of Illinois. In his case, this was an intermediate step towards deification.
Cap A provision in virtually all current (Perfect) Health Care plans that Limits the benefits a Patient can receive. It’s not anything like “Rationing,” with starts with a completely different letter and has many more of them.
Carry Water The term Rush used to describe how he supported Bush even when he didn’t mean it. In other words, it’s one of the many synonyms Conservatives use for Lying. It’s like Eskimos with all their words for Snow.
Casual Acquaintance As defined by Rove, a lobbyist (see Abramoff) who gives you a mere $25,000 for tickets and meals. Karl is such a generous soul, though, that even this pittance is enough to be there “whenever we need something,” as Jack reported he said at the NCAA finals.
Ceiling Fan A product essential to American Jobs, such that it was recently given special attention by Conservatives in their tariff bill. Because of their intervention, the American minimum-wage store clerks selling this Chinese product are now more secure in their employment.
Chairmanship An opportunity to take the Lead on areas of Special Interest. For example, being appointed Chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Childrens’ Caucus is a great way to lead on hot Pages.
Champaign Unit A safe harbor for the sons of the Elite during a time of War. Sometimes ingrates would spurn this birthright by putting themselves in harm’s way in the real Military. We didn’t worry about them, though, since they had to be Liberals to be that foolish.
Champion To be a steadfast Leader on a topic, like McCain has been on Medicare. As a Presidential Candidate he steadfastly championed cutting it and now his Contribution to Health Care Reform is to champion Spending more on it.
Change Agent The mantle every GOP Candidate has assumed. It doesn’t, however, require new clothes different from George II’s (see Stay the Course on Iraq War Surge and Tax Cuts). The Change from Bush they’re looking to achieve is his Polling Results.
Chaos The frequent result of Invasion, for example what happened after the Soviets rolled over their border with Afghanistan to trigger the creation of Al Qaeda. The chaos caused by our Middle East invasions is much different, since the Terrorists we’re creating won’t want to endure the long plane flight back to here.
Cheating An essential component of Conservative political strategy (see Florida) and economic strategy (see Borrowing). It’s to Campaign Strategy what War is to Diplomacy: pursuit of Victory by “other Means.”
Checkpoint A Security measure particularly important to the Success of the Surge, which absolutely requires the Iraqi Army to use them effectively. And that’s exactly what they’re doing! Where before the soldiers used to sleep, now they’re totally Alert, for example when Terrorists are setting up an IED close by. Now all we need to do is to Train them to stop the Planting rather than guarding it.
Checks and Balances The essence of the separation of powers between the three branches of Government. The checks our Contributors provide allow us to maintain Conservative balances of Power across the separate branches, giving us unchecked power via Up or Down Votes.
Cheney One of the country’s leading ventriloquists, renowned for the shtick of throwing his voice from “Undisclosed Locations.” Now that he's not speaking through his Dummy anymore, he’s become well known for his Colorful Speech.
Children The key to our Future. Specifically, Conservatives have discovered that mentioning children in our speeches gets us tons of votes from Soccer Moms, so you can bet we'll be doing that in the future! The icing on the cake is that they're too young to vote against the Debt we're passing down to them (see Posterity).
Chimp A dark newsmaker of African descent with big round ears that stick out and Crazy behavior that Naturally makes you think of the President’s Stimulus Bill. The connection is obvious! (Stimulus/crazy that is, not Obama/ape.
Choice 1. The critical essence of Freedom. If you can’t choose, you’re not really free. It’s so critical we need to pass laws to make sure that women don’t choose wrong. 2. Something a Homosexual has (for lifestyle, not matrimony) and a Woman doesn’t.
Christianists Members of the Church of Conservatism with the Character to recognize that God doesn’t have the Power to stand up to the Godless tide of Liberalism without help from Government Bureaucrats.
Christmas A day devoted to Peace on Earth and good will towards all. We had one two thousand years ago; we'll do another once: 1. those weenies over at the State Department get on board with DeLay’s Tribulation kickoff Program. 2. we've achieved Victory over all our Enemies.
Church of Conservatism Ann is Right, except it’s not Liberalism but Conservatism that’s a Religion with a “sacraments, a creation myth, and a clergy.” That’s way so many religious words have Dittohead meanings!
CIA The Intelligence Agency known prior to the Iraq Invasion for Custom Information Assembly. It is being reorganized, with installation of GOP operative Porter Goss as Director and his recruitment of Republican Partisans for its executive management. The new organization will be called Conservative Intelligence All-the-time.
Cinco de Mayo The day that lets us celebrate our inclusiveness even while spending the other 364 days bashing Mexicans like piñatas.
Circus A grand spectacle of Life and death put on by the Politicians of ancient Rome for the entertainment of Citizens. Our improved version uses the Media and Optional Wars to eliminate stadium seating limits.
Citation The description of the act that resulted in a Military Hero being awarded a Medal. It is a source of great Pride, unless repudiated by the Conservative who wrote it because the recipient later turned out to be a Liberal.
Civil Service The replacement for the old spoils system, when Politics determined who was Hired or Fired. We like the New system because Future Democrat Presidents won’t get to kick out the Loyal Bushies we’ve put in place to run American Justice.
Civil War What will happen in Iraq if Kurds and Shiites continue to demand more autonomy. This would of course be a positive development. If they’re killing each other they’ll be too busy to mess with us. Who says we didn’t do any post-invasion planning?
Clear Something that is obvious, like when McCain said “I think I can show my record is clear” when Talking about why he Voted against a Bill prohibiting Waterboarding Torture when his record was clearly otherwise. Just remember that he was against it before he was For it.
Cliff A Political test of manliness we’re Happy to Face. When our Leader marches fearlessly off the edge (see Low Polls) in the name of Principle (see Children’s Health Veto) we’re Right there in lockstep!
Climate The kind of weather we’re all getting. Since we’re on the subject, it’s not getting hotter and even if it is it would be doing that anyway and besides that’s a good thing.
Coalition of the Billing Our New Strategy for Success in Iraq. We’ve figured out that People don’t care about the hundreds of billions the War Costs. Why should they, since Posterity is doing all the Paying? The main thing is that members of the Military are getting Killed. The Solution is outsourcing the Fighting to mercenaries, like those from Blackwater. This costs more, but…well, you already know why that’s not a problem.
Color The hues a Dittohead perceives as he encounters the majestic landscapes of our nation as painted by the changing seasons. Dittohead visual perception is highly sensitive and encompasses two colors: Black and White (with no shades of gray).
Columbus Day The holiday Honoring man who discovered America while looking for China. Reagan is the greater man because he actually found China. Specifically, Regan discovered China’s willingness to let us Borrow Trillions from them, making it possible for us to rail against Taxes even while spending megabucks on the stuff that Voters Love. As the foundation for modern Conservatism, it’s Ronnie’s discovery rather than Chris’s that deserves the celebration!
Come September 1. A classic Rock Hudson romantic comedy from 1961. 2. The Bush Administration’s reason for Voters to stay off his case over the last six months, leaving only 16 more months of case-staying-off-of-reasons-needed to go.
Commander Guy How Bush describes his preference for whether Decisions on continuing the War in Iraq should be made by the Democrat Majority or Commanders on the Ground. It could also be his fondness for the Commander in Chief.
Commanders on the Ground The People Bush wants calling the shots in Iraq. One reason is that Military folks swear an oath to “obey the orders of their superiors,” and by coincidence Bush happens to be their most superior.
Commission McCain’s Solution to the pressing issues of the financial Crisis, for example by determining next year whether the Decision made over last weekend to save America’s biggest insurance company was Right.
Commit 1. (Archaic) to pledge to a binding Obligation. 2. To establish a vague hope that's entirely Optional, for example when Bush addressed reducing Greenhouse Gasses to fight Global Warming when he said "by setting this goal, we commit ourselves to doing something about it."
Communion 1. A reward for Catholic legislators who give interpretations of scripture made in Rome the force of law over their non-Catholic constituents. 2. (Archaic) A remembrance of Christ’s love and forgiveness for all of humanity.
Commute 1. A kind of Prison many workers face. 2. Bush doing an In Your Face to save Face with the Base for one of his workers Facing prison for taking a bullet so that Cheney could dodge the bullet (but not in the Face), so that nobody has to Face any consequences over the outing of the CIA agent.
Comparable Risks Rudi’s boast that he experienced the same “if not more” exposure to toxic chemicals from 9/11 as sick New York City workers, based on the average of two hours a week he spent onsite watching them put in their hundreds.
Comparison To match one thing to another, for example comparing Viet Nam to Iraq. Sometimes a comparison is false, for example when arguing that Iraq could be as big a Waste of Lives and Money as Viet Nam. We have of course been diligently rejecting that comparison since day 1. Sometimes, though, a comparison it right on Target, for example when comparing the bad things that can happen in a Foreign Country (say, Viet Nam) when we’re no longer calling the Shots.
Compassion A magic word similar to "abracadabra." We don't know what it means, but when we say it doors start opening.
Compatible Having a similar disposition or tastes, for example Bush and the Iraqi Parliament, as evidenced by their mutual predilection for taking long Summer Vacations when things are really heating up (see Crisis).
Compelling 1. Acclaimed, as in “Sarah Palin gave a compelling Speech at the Convention. 2. On the topic of forced compliance by means of Criminalization and Prison, for example “Sarah Palin gave a compelling Speech at the convention.”
Competence The overrated ability to produce the Results we said we’d get. The only result we really need is Reelection, and for that we only need competence in collecting Campaign Contributions for our Swift Boat Political Advertisements.
Competition The core idea of capitalism. Having rivals makes it harder for a company to raise Prices or cut service. Of course, having a rival Government Plan doesn’t count as a level playing field since Politicians care if their Voters die.
Comprehensive Thorough, like how we cover the whole spectrum of ensuring that only Loyal Bushies have a Shot at getting a DOJ Job (see Political Hiring ) and Keeping it (see Protect Failure and Fire Prosecutors).
Compulsive The Liberal desperation to raise Taxes, even though Tax Cuts let People Keep more of their own Money, make the Economy Explode, improve Moral fiber, address social ills, Increase National Security, and are curing cancer, to name just a few benefits, so we OBVIOUSLY Need to KEEP Doing Them AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!
Condemnation 1. Walling a group of people into a small area and depriving them of essentials like food and medicine, like the Nazis did to the Jews of the Warsaw Ghetto. Their Heroism in resisting is an Example to this day. 2. What Israel expects of world opinion towards Palestinians, who the Jews have graciously provided the enclave of Gaza. Rather than showing the proper appreciation, they’re acting like Terrorists just because Security measures have required limits on the levels of food and medicine going through the walls. Those levels would be just fine if there weren’t so many People in there. Happily, that situation is improving by the day.
Confident The Conviction that comes from having a Mistake-proof Strategy, as Bush exhibited a year ago when he said “I am confident in our plan for victory. I am confident in the will of the Iraqi people.”
Confirm A critical component of knowledge. It’s the reason that reporters require two Sources for a story: one to provide the initial tip, and the other to confirm it by saying “I heard that too” (see Rove)
Conscription A traditional method of staffing the Military in time of War (see Draft). For example, it was the approach used throughout the Majority of McCain’s Navy career when a Surge in Troop Strength was needed to Fight the last Insurgency. While he “doesn’t think we need to Think” about a draft (see Low Polls) he does Believe we need to greatly expand Troop Strength to Fight the current Insurgency.
Conservation A word we’re changing the definition of to make the Endangered Species Act easier on Industry. It’s an excellent strategy; just look how far we’ve gotten with changing the definition of “Conservative!”
Conserve Action taken by Citizens to use less Energy. While Foreign Countries use many fewer resources than Americans because their citizens act more Green, Conservatives have Consistently pointed out the Truth that Conservation has no Real Policy role in the US (see Cheney) since it requires that a Politician Talk to Voters about Sacrifice, for example sacrificing a few minutes a year to Inflate tires.
Conservative 1. The very peak of Evolution, if it existed, which it doesn’t. 2. (Archaic) A political species distinguished by its respect for traditional norms of behavior and taste, probity and ethics, balanced budgets, judicial restraint, cautious foreign policy, and concern for posterity. Champions of minority rights, social mobility, anti-trust, preservation of natural resources, and union over states' rights. Extinct since 1980.
Consistency 1. (Archaic) The basis for Science. Scientists assume that God’s handiwork is perfectly consistent and devote their lives to using this as a tool for understanding Truth. 2. The basis for Conservative science. Hard Work isn’t needed to find truth. All you need is consistency with your denomination’s version of the Bible.
Consistent A desirable quality in a President which describes President Bush to a T. For example, he Consistently wants to take Action against Iran regardless of whether the National Intelligence Estimate says: 1) they’re working on Nuculur Bombs or 2) they’re not (see Saddam).
Constituents Campaign Contributors that GOP Senators treat with tender loving care, for example the Foreign automakers in their States that they’re Protecting against competition from their American counterparts.
Contagion Bush’s Dream that the entire Middle East would be so Inspired by the Iraqi experience (see Democracy) that they’d copy it, which they will, as soon as they’ve finished copying the Sunnis and Shiites attacking each other like they now are in Lebanon.
Continent Earth’s largest type of landmass. While this may seem a Simple concept, in practice it can be tricky (at least as practiced in Alaska, where Africa is a Country and North America is missing Mexico).
Convention A tradition or standard practice, for example the accounting convention of balancing the books. OK, just call us unconventional.
Cooking The mouth-watering process used by Think Tanks to prepare delectable Facts for the ravenous gourmands of Dittohead cuisine. Popular recipes include Overstuffed Fat-Cat, Chicken Hawk with Pine and Gun Nuts, and Jesus Fish Soup. Dittohead cuisine is noted for its flamethrower spiciness, stomach-busting portions, and unique presentation (see Color).
Cooties 1. In the playground, a characteristic of an otherwise desirable toy that’s been touched by a yucky playmate. 2. In the Senate, pretty much the same thing, when the toy is a Jobs or Stimulus Bill with Tax Cuts and the yucky playmate is the President of the United States.
Core American Principle According to the Bush Administration, the Ideal of Justice represented by their handling of Padilla, the Citizen they were planning to hold forever without trial until the Supreme Court was about to jump in on his case.
Cost What you Pay for something. The big advantage we had in our War in Iraq was that it didn’t cost anything for the first 3 1/2 years (see Deficit). Now that we’re finally paying a price (see Election), maybe we need to figure a way to wrap it all up. Canning Don is a start.
Country How we like to describe members of the GOP, for example as “country folk,” a phrase that brings to mind solid middle-America Working People focused on high Moral Values. “Country club” and “Stock portfolio values” are closer to the actual Truth.
Coup 1. The way that the Majority of the Heads of State in the Middle East took Office, including Saddam. 2. Something that couldn’t possibly be possible in Iraq, considering that Bush would have never invested a Trillion dollars of Taxpayer Money had it been a possibility, Right?
Coup d'Etat An Action perpetrated by George’s buddy Pervez in Pakistan. It involved using his authority as Army Chief to Ignore the Constitution in the Face of challenges to his Reelection, under the Pretext of Fighting Terrorism. Bush has avoided imposing any consequences for this, primarily because he’s already done exactly the same thing.
Courage 1. An essential Conservative value. When anyone says we made a mistake, we have the courage to stand up and accept the Blame. We usually accept that the blame goes to Clinton. 2. The strength of Character to propose programs even when we know that accountants will laugh their asses off at them.
Cranky McCain’s State after passage of the new Health Care Law, based on his Threat to halt all Senate Business for the rest of the year. Actually, in McCain’s case the more accurate word would be “crankier.”
Crazy What it looks like when behavior can’t be rationally explained. Future generations will think we were crazy, considering how we gutted environmental regulations that were working perfectly well, ran up monster Deficits without a plan for paying them back, and used this borrowed money to buy a Military larger than the developed world combined. There’s method to our madness, though - see Reelection.
Crime 1. Breaking the law, an act for which there is no legitimate excuse other than the need for Payback. 2. Bad behavior that Citizens look to Conservatives to be tougher on than Liberals. That’s why we’ve changed the rules so that DeLay can continue to be our Leader in the fight against crime even if he’s indicted.
Cronie The feminine form of Crony (see Harriet Miers).
Crying Game A poignant Boy George song to which George’s boy recently added new lyrics: “I cry a lot. I do/a lot of crying in this job/ I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count/as president. I'll shed some tomorrow.”
Culture of Life 1. The core Conservative principle of the sanctity of Life (except when it costs HMOs Money). 2. The Conservative Tenet that Life in a culture dish is sacrosanct (see Stem Cell Research). Not to be confused with any Right to life for Criminals, Enemies, Liberal Justices, or People who cross Gun Owners.
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