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L

Labor Day Our celebration of the contributions of individual Workers. Not their sweat on the Job, of course (as if!) We're celebrating their pension fund contributions.  Anything that flows that much Money into the Stock Market deserves an annual party.

Laissez Faire From the root word “fair” for carnival, a big Party (the Wild and crazy kind, not the Political kind). On second thought, maybe it’s both (see GOP).  

Lame Duck The name for an outgoing Politician. It applies particularly well to Bush, since he's saved up his lamest Actions to Ram through before ducking out.

Last Throes  The term Cheney has lately been using for Iraqi Insurgents. It replaces Rumsfeld’s “dead-enders” from two years ago. The old term had to go, since Voters have figured out that dead-ends don’t take years to drive down!

Late In Alaska Family Values, a synonym for “engaged to be Married.”

Latte An over-Priced Foreign probably-Muslim mulatto drink favored by Elite Liberal Tax-Increasing Fist Jabbers.

Laugh A perfectly natural human response (unless a Clinton is doing it).

Law  A labor-saving way for getting people to conform with God’s will, much more efficient than Talk. It works even better when combined with Prison.

Law and Order  A traditional Conservative priority. This of course doesn’t mean we have to obey Liberal laws.

Laws on the Books A phrase that Conservatives now use differently. Before our new Supreme Court killed Trigger Locks and other Gun Regulations, we could sanctimoniously say “let’s just Enforce the laws on the Books.” Now we say “let’s get those Laws off the books.”

Lawyer One of the three essential qualifications to run a specialized Government agency (FEMA or Department of Homeland Security, for example.) The other two are Fundraiser and Crony.

Lawyered Up  A bad State of Affairs. Going by the Constitution for Terrorists like the Underwear Bomber means that 1) he’s harder to Torture and (especially) 2) Trial Lawyers have more Money to give to Democrats.

Layoff  An obsolete term for the modern employee benefit of outplacement. Employers provide lucky winners with all manner of special career services and bonuses. Companies can afford this magnanimity due to higher profits achieved via Offshoring.

Leader  A President who can be trusted to make sure the hard things get done. For example, George W. Bush has made it very hard to dodge Combat while serving in the National Guard.

Leadership by Example The quality demonstrated by Wolfowitz of the World Bank in their recent focus on Corruption.

Leak  Getting payback by putting out Facts that embarrass our Enemies (for example, that their wife Works for the CIA). If it causes Liberal reporters from the New York Times to go to Jail, that’s when we know there really is a God!

Leave Behind A President’s Legacy, like Bush’s when he said “one of the things I will leave behind is a multilateralism to deal with tyrants, so problems can be solved diplomatically.” He’s gotten a Head start on this legacy because he Left Behind multilateralism (see Cowboy) and Diplomacy (see Invasion) years ago.

Left Behind  We believe that “no child should be left behind.” That’s why we need Christian education in our schools – to make sure kids are Tribulation-ready. It’s the least we can do for them, considering that they’ll be paying our bills when they grow up. Of course, this won't be a problem if our red heifer breeding program comes in early (the ultimate Win-Win!)

Legacy  1. An information technology term for a Messy situation left by previous managers. 2. A Political term for the situation left by a President, for example George W Bush.  

Legal  The next step in the legislative process for a desired Conservative practice after Mandate. Note: not to be confused with Moral or Ethical.

Legislative Reality A wildly innovative technique invented by Conservatives and first used in our Abortion Criminalization initiative. When the Supreme Court said that any abortion Law had to protect a woman’s Health, we passed one saying that a particular procedure used by Doctors to protect a woman’s health is never actually needed. It’s a good thing that Truth is more Flexible for conservatives than Liberals; can you image what would happen if they started legislating Reality? For example, they’d pass a law that we can’t have Tax Cuts that Increase Deficits, Ignoring the reality (which will be demonstrated any day now) that cutting taxes causes Tax Revenues to Explode!

Legislators America’s premier experts in medical procedures related to pregnancy.

Leno  1. A champion of Morality, through his tireless pursuit of depraved Groping by Liberal Officeholders (OK, ex-Officeholders, but some crimes are just too heinous to forget!). 2. A proven platform for launching a Conservative political campaign.

Lens 1. An optical device used in Television to bend light to present an image. 2. A political device used in Fox television to bend Facts to present an illusion.

Lent  A period of voluntary Deprivation. It refers to the deprivation that we are volunteering Posterity to bear as they Pay back the Money that we were lent.

Lesson  A means of influencing others to act properly. We’re teaching Terrorists a lesson by conquering countries whose people belong to their Religion. Too bad they don't seem to get it. Fortunately, Conservative voters do, and they matter more anyway.

Lethality  Risk of Death. For example, Dittoheads frequently point out the deadly danger posed to the home front from Muslim Terrorists. While over the last decade nobody’s actually been attacked by a US Muslim terrorist, we clearly can’t expect our Luck to hold out forever. Fortunately, changing the Constitution to require forehead Tattoos for un-American Religions will address the risk until we get mo Gitmos.

Levee  Another great example of Government Waste. Why spend Money on something that is hardly ever needed when the Base needs another Tax Cut right now!

Leverage  Another term for influence. For example, we recently used our political leverage to make sure that Government does not take unfair advantage of Drug companies when negotiating discounts for Seniors.

Leveraged Buyout 1. A Strategy for gaining corporate Power. Group A takes over Company B using Money contributed on the understanding that, once in charge, Company A will use Company B’s revenues to Pay back contributors. The Result: crippling levels of Borrowing. 2. A Strategy for gaining Political Power. Party A takes over Country B using Money Contributed on the understanding that, once in charge, Party A will use Country B’s revenues to pay back Contributors (see Tax Cuts and Subsidies). The Result: the same, when it’s Party R.

Libel  Anything a Liberal writes. (Why do you think the words look so much alike?)

Liberal  A misbegotten endangered species, half Satan, half Bozo the Clown.

Liberal Media  Any outlet that would consider reporting an event that could possibly be misconstrued as evidence that Conservative policy outcomes aren’t always wonderful.

Liberal Judge  Someone who seeks to destroy the Constitution by invoking the Bill of Rights.

Liberties  What we do with Figures to get our Budgets passed. They are essential to our pursuit of happiness. Give us liberties and we’ll give you Debt!

Lieberman The famous comic book superhero who’s special Power is Political shape-shifting. His unique shtick is that he doesn’t have the normal superhero Secret identity. Instead, he has identities both as a Democrat and a Republican. The secret is which he really is.

Life  A quality that begins at conception and ends at execution.

Limits of Government 1. A major preoccupation of the Bush Administration, specifically on eliminating limits on the President imposed by past Congresses (see Unitary Executive). 2. A major preoccupation of the Bush Administration, specifically in ensuring that the Options of Future Presidents are limited (see Starve the Beast).

Line A recurring GOP idea. The Republican Party wants Voters to remember when we talk about lines in the sand (see Invasion) and walking the line (see Morally superior). Too bad what they actually remember is Red State Governors talking about the tan lines of their mistresses (see Adultery).

Links Communications and active assistance, as in “Saddam had links with Al Qaeda.” We’re picky about what links we’ll act on; they must be at least possible to imagine before we go to War over them.

Lipstick® A registered trademark of McCain Palin PLLC, the national Lobby firm (international, if you count being able to see Russia). All Rights reserved. Unauthorized use will be vigorously Prosecuted as sexism.

Liquidation 1. The process of dismantling a Bankrupt Bank, for example by using the Fund being set up by the finance Industry Reform Bill. It would be the opposite of a Bailout (which preserves a bankrupt bank) except that’s impossible since Senate Minority Leader McConnell has said they’re the same.

Live With It Our new strategy for dealing with Global Warming. It skips the Hard Work that would be needed to do something about it. So what if this results in Coastal Flooding and an Ice Age for Europe? Dittoheads don’t take European Vacations and especially won’t need to once all the beaches are in Red States.

Lockbox The concept that Social Security contributions shouldn’t be spent on current Government expenses (a process enabled when these contributions are exchanged for Bonds stored in a West Virginia filing cabinet). There are two problems with this approach: 1) Al Gore suggested it 2) we need that money for new Tax Cuts. Our “change purse” approach is better: We set up accounts for a small piece of people’s Social Security contributions, Borrowing (via bonds) the Trillions needed to cover the diversion. The advantage? We can store those bonds in that same filing cabinet, saving tens of tax dollars!

Logic  The primary technique used by Liberals to Spin Facts. Fortunately, Conservatives have natural immunity.

Loop  The collection of people with required expertise to set Government policy in critical areas like counter-terrorism (see Crony). Does not include functionaries in peripheral areas like Intelligence.

Loophole  A way to have your cake and eat it too. In our case, it’s being able to rail against new Laws restricting the Right to Bear Arms after yet another Shooter pursues personal happiness via a Body Count. We merely repeat the MantraEnforce the laws on the books,” knowing that Contributors and GOP-Voting Wackos can easily get any Weapon they want at a Gun Show.

Losing Altitude The Excuse (see Lie) that Bush used to leave his Camp David meeting to sneak off to Iraq. Strictly speaking, though, he was telling the Truth. While his advisors thought he was talking about being tired, he was actually referring to his Polls.

Lost Our favorite Television show, for obvious reasons.

Love The quality shown in Bush’s Veto of a Children’s Health Bill because insurance companies might lose business. Some might ask “Where’s the Compassion?” The Answer is that you show it first to those you love the most.

Low Polls The Nirvana state of a Reelected President, when he can indulge his Hobbies without having to worry about becoming unpopular.

Loyal Bushie A certification that serves for Government employment (and continued employment, for that matter) like a Law degree serves for Legal employment, say as a Prosecutor. In fact, if you’ve got that first certification, the second is Flexible.

Loyalist A reliable Dittohead partisan, someone who 1. voted for George W Bush and 2. opposes Abortion and Gun control. If you get those Right you’re clearly qualified to hold any key US post in Iraq.

Luck A positive outcome produced by an inanimate object like a four leaf clover, a rabbit’s foot, or (our favorite) a bag stuffed with Campaign Contributions.

Lust  An important Conservative value as long as it doesn’t involve sex anyone knows about. Lust for Money is essential to our Economic Policy, not to mention our Campaign Strategy.

Lying  A useful form of Conservative Truth that does not require slavish adherence to Facts. Frequently employed in discussions of WMD, in Budgets , and particularly in Political Advertisements.

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