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Victory at Gettysburg

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in property rights and dedicated to the proposition that Americans shouldn’t be sending their hard-earned tax dollars to London. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can endure the treasonous acts of evildoers like the regime of Jefferson Davis and his brutal henchman Robert E. Lee. Well, we have a saying where I come from: “Don’t Toy with Illinois!” And now we are on a great battlefield of that war, a magnificent victory brilliantly planned and executed by our Union Forces, despite second-guessing from the rocking-chair generals of the liberal New York City newspapers. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives so that the rebel army could be destroyed. The world will long remember what they did here to end the evil acts of the Richmond Regime and the corrupt plantation owners propping them up. The Union forces now liberating the South from Confederate tyranny report servant quarters that were little more than rape rooms and torture chambers. It is thus for us the living to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced, that this nation under God shall have a new round of tax cuts, and that big government on the backs of the people shall soon perish from the earth.

(Note that this is the version that a Karl Rove White House of 1864 might have produced).

 

 

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